Over the last several days, I've not been conscious of my "no criticism" challenge. Not surprisingly this struck me last night while I was criticizing something (though Jeff told me he thought it was more of a constructive criticism conversation, naming the difficulties of a particular situation).
My last goal I gave myself was to look inward and attemptto understand why I am critical so often. There are different reasons why I criticize, and it depends on who and what I am criticizing as to my motivations, I think. Today I want to look into the clearest motivation I often have: to make myself feel better, to practice self-pity.
Here's where I need to be very transparent (I hand-write most of my blogposts before they end up here, and there's a place in the first draft where I chastise myself for being vague. I knew I needed to get very specific and confessional in this post.)
It's not uncommon for me to criticize other musicians and songwriters. When I do this, criticizing their work, their art, I know where that comes from. I have insecurities and questions related to my own art. Why am I doing something so difficult and, sometimes, seemingly meaningless? Am I a good songwriter? Should my goal be to be well-known? Have a career? Be content to just write meaningful songs no matter what else happens? All of the above?
When I see another artist being successful (or what I have decided is my own standard of "successful") - or to be very specific to a common scenario - when I see another songwriter make a cool, high-quality music video, the inner monologue goes something like this:
Must be nice to have friends who will do that for cheap or free.
I don't have money to make videos like that. (woe is me.)
How am I supposed to promote myself without good videos?
[This isn't fair.]
Why do they deserve that more than me?
My stuff must not be as good.
Maybe I should quit.
And so on and so on.
As I write this down, I realize this is all in a spirit of competition and not celebration and support. Not only are my thoughts too often centered on my own success, but it distances me from like-minded people from whom I can learn, who could be a part of my community. Criticism is a wall, a gulf, a chasm. It separates me from reality. I'm only imagining reality with my distant criticism. Sure, some things I may see or say might be factual (a person may have a best friend who is a filmmaker and volunteers to make a killer music video), but as a whole, my criticism is never painting a picture of reality. I'm spinning a tale in my head, a tale woven from the threads of criticism.
Wow. I dislike seeing this in myself.
It's good to say it, though.
So, today, I'm going to introduce you to a couple of musicians and songwriters who I have chosen to know and celebrate, a perspective I want to have when seeing the successes of other artists. May you, too, choose to celebrate those you've been criticizing.
![](http://d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/193161/d4d3e8187be0d8cab0f0edbf7c96ba0860fbb673/medium/joy-ike.jpg?1494606724)
with me about life as a working songwriter and musician.
![](http://d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/193161/f1244065e3883452c1cf42b1cea4a8a84ee663ec/large/brandon-kinder-of-the-wealthy-west.jpg?1494606761)
Brandon just moved to Memphis from Austin. We've become friends, and I love his music.
He, too, is happy to share and support. I'm glad to know him.
![](http://d10j3mvrs1suex.cloudfront.net/u/193161/0d7024c4b25c15c874b0a6be7cfbfc4ed240feec/large/abbye-promo-2017-smaller.jpg?1493308915)
When is criticism constructive?
How can you practice this?
In what situations is it appropriate and with whom is it safe to practice constructive criticism?
Happy celebrating!